Clarity vs Luminosity Revisited

My meeting with the Committee for the Preparation for Ministry last week offered a chance to experience luminosity. Not clarity, but luminosity. I meet with this committee once per year to review my status as (for now) an 'inquirer'. I went into the meeting feeling that I really had nothing to report. I am sure of God's call on my life (for something). Though I'm leaning toward pastoral ministry, I couldn't articulate why.... I'm just becoming more certain...

Seminary is going slowly because of my life circumstances. We actually spent most of the time talking about my work/life/family situation. That's when I had a moment of luminosity. 2007 was difficult in a number of ways:
- I've found myself dealing with the health and end-of-life issues of family members.
- I've been in the place of mediator with my siblings - something as the oldest, that has not been my function within the family historically.
- I have suffered some of the worst loneliness of my life.

I thought these issues were distracting my focus from seminary and my call. But in talking with the committee I realized that all of these circumstances are helping me to love people better - preparing me for ministry to hurting people.

At 45 I am keenly aware that I can't fix things or people. I know that I don't have a lot of answers, and I'm okay with it. I've resisted the idea of pastoral ministry for a really long time. I don't want people to look to me for answers. As usual Eugene Peterson has something to say about that too, "The vocation of pastor does not permit trafficking in either miracles or answers. Pastors are in the awkward position of refusing to give what a great many people assume is our assigned job to give...We are asked to pray for an appropriate miracle, we are called upon to declare and authoritative answer. But our calling equips us for neither. In fact, it forbids us to engage in either the miracle business or the answer business."

So... out of my own mouth, came some enlightenment for myself... The meeting benefited me. I'd been praying for answers, and God shed some light for me. Do I totally get it - i.e. clarity? No. But the Lord has given me a glimpse of some of what He's up to in my life. That's enough for now...