The Mystery of the Other

"It is not the person furthest away who is the greatest mystery, but precisely the one closest to us. And that person’s mystery is not lessened by our learning ever more about him or her. On the contrary, in her or his presence that one becomes ever more mysterious. It is the final depth of everything mysterious when two people come so close one to the other that the love each other ... Thus, knowing does not dissolve mystery but deepens it. That the other is close to me, that is the greatest mystery." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

As a young woman I always thought of The Cost of Discipleship when I heard Bonhoeffer's name. He certainly knew a little something about that subject! I'll tell you what, though, Bonhoeffer's got lots of great things to say on many subjects. Case in point, the quote above.

I was talking with one of my sisters earlier this week about relationships in general, and men in particular. She's feeling a bit jaded with respect to men and romance and marriage. I have to begin by confessing that I'm FAR from an expert (experientially speaking) on the subject of that kind of love. However, there are some things that I understand (at least in a theoretical way - and experientially if you expand the category to include family and friends).

Relationships (especially marriage) are intended to mirror the relationship of Christ and the church. That's certainly the ideal, and there is the 5% of highly satisfied marriages that one can look at and say, "Wow! Their relationship is great. It's holy. It's how marriage is intended to be." That leaves 95% that is somewhat less stellar, but not any less a mirror.

Think of the Christians you know. Certainly no more than 5% have a super close, highly satisfying relationship with God. The vast majority are in some kind of continual conflict as they work out their salvation. They're not any less Christian than the 5%, just as the 95% who have to work hard at marriage are no less married.

But back to Bonhoeffer and mystery. I think that what he says about the person closest to us being the greatest mystery is true and very helpful in understanding what makes relationships work well: human relationships and our relationship with God.

There are people who lose the sense of mystery and wonder in their relationships. They assume they know the other so well, that they no longer pay attention. They no longer study the other, no longer truly listen, because they think they already know what the other person's saying. The other person is dismissed. That's a relationship in trouble - whether your talking about lovers, spouses, parents & kids, friends - whomever.

Bonhoeffer's right, though. We never really get to the end of mystery when we're dealing with another person. Heck, don't you even find yourself mysterious sometimes? I do. I also find myself straining after the mystery in my children, my sibling, my mom. There are depths in these others in my life, that I do not yet know. Part of the joy in life and relationship is that the folks we know are so fascinating.

The same applies to God. Now, you may say, "Well duh! That's obvious when you're referring to God." Really? So how much time do you spend with Him, plumbing his depths? Do you still find God fascinating? Are you on the edge of your chair wondering what He'll say to you next? Are you looking for His hand at work in your life and in the lives of others? As great as it is spending a lifetime knowing the people in our lives, it is greater still that we'll never come to the end of knowing the beauty of God in eternity.